Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1

    History of the Sandwich, Woody Allen

    Yes, But Can
    the Steam Engine
    Do This?

    I was leafing through a magazine while waiting for Joseph K., my
    beagle, to emerge from his regular Tuesday fifty-minute hour with a
    Park Avenue therapist—a Jungian veterinarian who, for fifty dollars
    per session, labors valiantly to convince him that jowls are not a social
    drawback —when I came across a sentence at the bottom of the page
    that caught my eye like an overdraft notice. It was just another item
    in one of those boiler-plate specials with a title like "Historagrams" or
    "Betcha Didn't Know," but its magnitude shook me with the power of
    the opening strains of Beethoven's Ninth. "The sandwich," it read,
    "was invented by the Earl of Sandwich." Stunned by the news, I read
    it again and broke into an involuntary tremble. My mind whirled as it
    began to conjure with the immense dreams, the hopes and obstacles,
    that must have gone into the invention of the first sandwich. My eyes
    became moist as I looked out the window at the shimmering towers of
    the city, and I experienced a sense of eternity, marvelling at man's
    ineradicable place in the universe. Man the inventor! Da Vinci's
    notebooks loomed before me—brave blueprints for the highest
    aspirations of the human race. I thought of Aristotle, Dante,
    Shakespeare. The First Folio. Newton. Handel's Messiah. Monet.
    Impressionism. Edison. Cubism. Stravinsky. E=mc2 . . .
    Holding firmly to a mental picture of the first sandwich lying
    encased at the British Museum, I spent the ensuing three months
    working up a brief biography of its great inventor, his nibs the Earl.
    Though my grasp of history is a bit shaky, and though my capacity for
    romanticizing easily dwarfs that of the average acidhead, I hope I
    have captured at least the essence of this unappreciated genius, and
    that these sparse notes will inspire a true historian to take it from
    1718: Birth of the Earl of Sandwich to upper-class parents. Father
    is delighted at being appointed chief farrier to His Majesty the King—
    a position he will enjoy for several years, until he discovers he is a
    blacksmith and resigns embittered. Mother is a simple Hausfrau of
    German extraction, whose uneventful menu consists essentially of
    lard and gruel, although she does show some flair for culinary
    imagination in her ability to concoct a passable sillabub.
    1725-35: Attends school, where he is taught horseback riding and
    Latin. At school he comes in contact with cold cuts for the first time
    and displays an unusual interest in thinly sliced strips of roast beef
    and ham. By graduation this has become an obsession, and although
    his paper on "The Analysis and Attendant Phenomena of Snacks"
    arouses interest among the faculty, his classmates regard him as odd.
    1736: Enters Cambridge University, at his parents' behest, to
    pursue studies in rhetoric and metaphysics, but displays little
    enthusiasm for either. In constant revolt against everything academic,
    he is charged with stealing loaves of bread and performing unnatural
    experiments with them. Accusations of heresy result in his expulsion.
    1738: Disowned, he sets out for the Scandinavian countries, where
    he spends three years in intensive research on cheese. He is much
    taken with the many varieties of sardines he encounters and writes in
    his notebook, "I am convinced that there is an enduring reality,
    beyond anything man has yet attained, in the juxtaposition of
    foodstuffs. Simplify, simplify." Upon his return to England, he meets
    Nell Smallbore, a greengrocer's daughter, and they marry. She is to
    teach him all he will ever know about lettuce.
    1741: Living in the country on a small inheritance, he works day
    and night, often skimping on meals to save money for food. His first
    completed work—a slice of bread, a slice of bread on top of that, and a
    slice of turkey on top of both—fails miserably. Bitterly disappointed,
    he returns to his studio and begins again.
    1745: After four years of frenzied labor, he is convinced he is on
    the threshold of success. He exhibits before his peers two slices of
    turkey with a slice of bread in the middle. His work is rejected by all
    but David Hume, who senses the imminence of something great and
    encourages him. Heartened by the philosopher's friendship, he
    returns to work with renewed vigor.
    1747: Destitute, he can no longer afford to work in roast beef or
    turkey and switches to ham, which is cheaper.
    1750: In the spring, he exhibits and demonstrates three consecu-
    tive slices of ham stacked on one another; this arouses some interest,
    mostly in intellectual circles, but the general public remains
    unmoved. Three slices of bread on top of one another add to his
    reputation, and while a mature style is not yet evident, he is sent for
    by Voltaire.
    1751: Journeys to France, where the dramatist-philosopher has
    achieved some interesting results with bread and mayonnaise. The
    two men become friendly and begin a correspondence that is to end
    abruptly when Voltaire runs out of stamps.
    1758: His growing acceptance by opinion-makers wins him a
    commission by the Queen to fix "something special" for a luncheon
    with the Spanish ambassador. He works day and night, tearing up
    hundreds of blueprints, but finally—at 4:17 A.M., April 27, 1758—he
    creates a work consisting of several strips of ham enclosed, top and
    bottom, by two slices of rye bread. In a burst of inspiration, he
    garnishes the work with mustard. It is an immediate sensation, and
    he is commissioned to prepare all Saturday luncheons for the
    remainder of the year.
    1760: He follows one success with another, creating "sandwiches,"
    as they are called In his honor, out of roast beef, chicken, tongue, and
    nearly every conceivable cold cut. Not content to repeat tried
    formulas, he seeks out new ideas and devises the combination
    sandwich, for which he receives the Order of the Garter.
    1769: Living on a country estate, he is visited by the greatest men
    of his century; Haydn, Kant, Rousseau, and Ben Franklin stop at his
    home, some enjoying his remarkable creations at table, others
    ordering to go.
    1778: Though aging physically he still strives for new forms and
    writes in his diary, "I work long into the cold nights and am toasting
    everything now in an effort to keep warm." Later that year, his open
    hot roast-beef sandwich creates a scandal with its frankness.
    1783: To celebrate his sixty-fifth birthday, he invents the
    hamburger and tours the great capitals of the world personally,
    making burgers at concert halls before large and appreciative
    audiences. In Germany, Goethe suggests serving them on buns—an
    idea that delights the Earl, and of the author of Faust he says, "This
    Goethe, he is some fellow." The remark delights Goethe, although the
    following year they break intellectually over the concept of rare,
    medium, and well done.
    1790: At a retrospective exhibition of his works in London, he is
    suddenly taken ill with chest pains and is thought to be dying, but
    recovers sufficiently to supervise the construction of a hero sandwich
    by a group of talented followers. Its unveiling in Italy causes a riot,
    and it remains misunderstood by all but a few critics.
    1792: He develops a genu varum, which he fails to treat in time,
    and succumbs in his sleep. He is laid to rest in Westminster Abbey,
    and thousands mourn his passing.
    At his funeral, the great German poet Holderlin sums up his
    achievements with undisguised reverence: "He freed mankind from
    the hot lunch. We owe him so much."

  2. #2

    Re: History of the Sandwich, Woody Allen

    I found this on google cache, maybe its illegal to post it.

  3. #3

    Re: History of the Sandwich, Woody Allen

    I have read it befor on other source but it is deifferent from that one and i like it.Thanx for sahring your knowledge about it.

  4. #4
    Resident Reprobate mojo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Under Down
    Blog Entries

    Re: History of the Sandwich, Woody Allen

    My Sole Ambition in Life is to Grow Old Disgracefully.

    Amkon T&C V4.0

    Quote Originally Posted by JiveTurkey
    My farts are no longer ethical?


  5. #5

    Re: History of the Sandwich, Woody Allen

    my cat is nice
    Last edited by Dog Fish Boy; 12-29-2013 at 08:17 PM.
    the milk of women and animals and the juice of young corn

  6. #6
    Brain-Slutter TheSyndicate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    In the studio.

    Re: History of the Sandwich, Woody Allen

    Woody Allen is creepy, even by my standards.

  7. #7

    Re: History of the Sandwich, Woody Allen

    he is like Gary Coleman, a famous person of whom you can say YEAH I WOULDN'T WANT THAT JOB
    the milk of women and animals and the juice of young corn

  8. #8
    Administrator Cogburn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Changwat Phuket, Phuket, Thailand, Thailand
    Blog Entries

    Re: History of the Sandwich, Woody Allen

    Someone needs to tell Raptor that someone stole his loosh and it wasn't the admins.

    You can buy me a beer from anywhere in the world.

  9. #9

    Re: History of the Sandwich, Woody Allen

    I liked Raptor...he seemed like someone who was going to tell me something useful, or, several useful things...HE WAS PROMISING in my automatic unconscious rating system...

    (that reminds me of one of the leftover taxidriver rules, the one stating EVERY SINGLE CUSTOMER CAN TELL ME SOMETHING INTERESTING, IF I CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT IT MIGHT BE AND HOW TO GET IT OUT OF THEM...the rule is not strictly accurate (I don't think) but it is a wrong attitude that works out good in practice's like having a series of random projects versus oh-God-wasting-time-stuck-at-work)
    the milk of women and animals and the juice of young corn

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 09-16-2012, 05:52 PM
  2. Penis tattoo = permanent woody
    By Wynhawks in forum Random Stuff
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 05-31-2012, 06:45 PM
  3. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 03-08-2012, 10:57 AM
  4. Col Allen West answers a marines question
    By RedneckR0nin in forum Conspiracy Stuff
    Replies: 119
    Last Post: 12-16-2011, 03:04 AM
  5. Cheers Poll .. Coach or Woody?
    By 13erk0witz in forum Chatter
    Replies: 35
    Last Post: 12-03-2011, 03:47 AM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO